Quite possibly, one of the most insane and dangerous things I’ve done lately is play The Commando Drinking Game. I know what you guys are thinking, does this involve drinking while wearing no underpants..? WRONG. It involves taking a shot during selected moments of the greatest film ever made, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s masterpiece, Commando.
The rules are as follows:
| The beginning of the movie | 1 Shot | |
| Matrix feeds a deer | 2 Shots | |
| A member of Matrix’s squad is murdered | 1 Shot | |
| Matrix says a cool post-mortem one-liner | 1 Shot | |
| Matrix blows something up | 2 Shots | |
| Somebody says “Val Verde” | 3 Shots | |
| You see Matrix in Speedos | 2 Shots | |
| Matrix uses a farm tool to kill somebody | 1 Shot | |
| Bennett threatens somebody | 2 Shots | |
| Cindy freaks out | 3 Shots | |
| Matrix’s watch beeps really loud | 2 Shots | |
| General Kirby says “World War 3” | 3 Shots | |
| Mall Security Guard talks tough | 2 Shots | |
| Matrix says “Jenny” | 1 Shot | |
| Matrix gets arrested | 4 Shots | |
| Every time there is an obvious goof | 1 Shots | |
| Cheesy 80s music begins | 2 Shots | |
| End of movie | Finish what is left |
If any of you have seen the film, then you know how insane this game is. Before the opening sequence ends, players are already subjected to at least seven shots. Luckily for us, we replaced shots of liquor for shots of beer. Within 15 minutes, all participants demanded a half-hour break. By the 25 minute mark, two of the three players dropped out citing health concerns. By the half-hour mark, the final participant folded. All in all, nearly 30 beers were consumed within an hour and three cases of liver cirrhosis were diganosed. All participants were unable to operate heavy machinery and one participant vomited violently throughout the evening and into the morning after.
I thought that I was walking into this game a brave solider like Arnold himself. In the end, I curled into a ball and wept for it all to be over quickly.
After watching Late Night with Conan O’Brien the other day, I realized that the state of male Asian actors is stuck in a homoerotic funk. A long running joke on Late Night, the show’s announcer, Joel Goddard, is always getting caught with Asian male prostitutes. As with most viewers, I take this joke with much laughter, forgetting that I myself am an Asian male. It suddenly hits me… Holy shit… are homosexual Asian men the next stereotype to come out of mainstream America?? Quickly I ran down a list of Asian actors and other various shows that have Asian actors. The list included…
&?%$#@! 